lake adventures

Recently, my depression and anxiety has been at its worst; I’ve struggled to not feel like death and didn’t leave the house in ages. On this day (19/6), instead, I decided to get the cleaning stuff done early, have lunch at about 11am, then tied my hair in a bun, laced up my sneakers and went for a walk. Geographically, I knew there was a lake nearby, but (even though I’ve lived here for three months) I didn’t really know how to get there.

So I just wandered.

From the road I was on, I spotted a playground at the end of a lane-way and, behind that, the lake. My already comparably better mood vamped up even higher. I felt a natural smile and I even giggled a bit as I swung on the swingset and admired the lake.

After a while, I finally coaxed myself off the swing and went exploring, met some ducks, pelicans, seagulls, cockatoos and ibises, and v e r y carefully walked along a jetty. It was at that point, watching the seaweed sway in the water and listening to the birds squawk as they flew around me, where the tears started. Genuine happiness is a strange thing to deal with when your mind and body are against you, when your brain believes you’re constantly in danger.

Just that moment of realisation: I’m happy.

It’s a shock to the system. Even though you’ve experienced it lots in the past, it’s like you’ve been handed this screaming, flailing thing and you’re completely clueless as to what to do with it.

But I embraced it.

I let the tears flow and streak across my face in the wind, laughed at the small and pitiful tweet of a baby seagull trying to join in with the squawking adults, and relished in my happiness, in all its weirdness and beauty.

 

 

Maddy xxx

 

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choosing love and happiness

Recently I was selected to join a group called The Sunshine Club. It is a space dedicated to positivity, self-love and equality, despite what challenges the universe may throw us. As silly as it may seem, I love taking the time to look for the good in things (or, as Pollyanna calls it, The Glad Game), for taking selfies and appreciating my friends and my beauty, and just for sharing a bit more love in the world.

This group was initiated by the lovely Prim, a teenager from the Philippines with a dazzling smile and a penchant for dogs and other soft, cute things. Although the group is only just starting,  everyone’s positivity and love for each other and the world is so present and overwhelmingly inspiring.

I feel like we can move mountains.

 

 

Maddy xxx

thoughts on drinking culture and alcoholism

It might sound weird and/or sad, but there’s something so comforting about talking to other kids of alcoholics.

In a culture where it’s so normal to drink to forget, get completely wasted for fun, or even just have a few alcoholic beverages after work to unwind, it’s reassuring and validating to meet others who get agitated around those (especially loved ones) who drink, and who feel that intense fear when those people slur and sway as they slip from tipsy to drunk. You can’t tell whether they’re going to keep to themselves and become dazed and sleepy, or if they’re going to turn on you, with their disorientation making them link together your faults, and confuse real events with what they make up.

You can connect with these other kids as you recall nights of walking on egg shells around your parent(s), staying up late in your room until you’re certain they’re asleep, worried they’ll barge in, drag you out of bed and start yelling at you.

I’m not denying that alcohol can be fun for some, but it is a drug. It shouldn’t be so normalised.

For those who have had similar experiences to what I have, or simply don’t like drinking, enjoy your tea/water/juice/whatever non-alcoholic beverages you love, appreciate the fact that you can get hyped about life or connect with friends without being intoxicated, and be grateful that rarely will late-night clubbing be your scene, and you can spend your weekend evenings nice and relaxed in the comfort of your own home.

 

 

Maddy xxx

pyjama dance party

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To put yourself in a good mood that lasts the whole day, I strongly recommend pyjama dance parties. Get up, let the sun shine in your room, and dance and sing along to your favourite music.

I thought I’d make a little playlist of some of my favourite pyjama dance party songs!

Walking on Sunshine // Aly & AJ
Dancing Queen // Mamma Mia Movie Soundtrack
I Got Nerve // Hannah Montana
Why Not // Hilary Duff
ABC // The Jackson 5
Love Myself // Hailee Steinfeld
Shout Out to my Ex // Little Mix
Mmmbop // Hanson
Bring it all Back // S Club 7
Elle Me Dit // Mika
C’est la Vie // B*Witched
Every Single Night // Computer Games

 

 

Maddy xxx

holy wow melt-in-your-mouth mug cake

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Sometimes, you just gotta have cake. But there are some days when you don’t feel up for eating a whole cake, a la Bruce Bogtrotter from Matilda, and on those days, you need a mug cake. This is the fudgiest, gooiest, most scrumptious cake I’ve ever had, and would love to share it with you.

  • 3 tbsp plain flour
  • 2 tbsp cocoa powder
  • 2 tbsp brown sugar
  • 1/4 tsp baking powder
  • 1 row of Sweet Williams original chocolate, broken into small pieces
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 2 tsp Nesquik (or equivalent chocolate powder)
  • 1 tbsp water
  • 3 tbsp soy milk
  • 1 tbsp canola oil
  • 1.5 tbsp peanut butter

In a medium-large mug, mix together the dry ingredients, ensuring no clumps of flour.

Add in the chocolate pieces.

Mix in the wet ingredients (leave canola oil for last). Mix in 1 tbsp peanut butter.

Dollop 1/2 tbsp peanut butter on top.

Microwave on high for approximately 1 minute (less if you want extra gooey).

Devour the deliciousness!!!!

 

 

Maddy xxx

let’s talk about asmr

Define: ASMR
Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response

To put it simply, ASMR is a really nice, sometimes tingly, feeling you get when you experience a sound, physical feeling or visual stimulus that is just the best thing ever and makes you feel like you could melt into a puddle of bliss. I am particularly sensitive in terms of sensory processing, which can be awful if something is, for example, too loud, but it means I respond really well to ASMR videos.

I often struggle to sleep, and it’s usually what calms me down and keeps flashbacks away, so I have been watching ASMR videos for a while. These are some of my favourites…

 

 

 

 

I hope you enjoy these!

 

 

Maddy xxx

high school nostalgia

 

 

I never ever thought that I’d say this, but I miss high school. Or, at the very least, I’m developing a sense of nostalgic longing and thinking about the rose-tinted memories of my teenage years. Even though I’m highly introverted, I miss the presence of people I am close to on an almost daily basis. I miss when spending a fortnight without seeing my friends was one of the hardest things to deal with. I miss becoming fluent in foreign languages and dreaming of exploring the world.

When I’d get into deep depressive spells where I wanted to claw my skin off, I knew that the loneliness would only last until 8am (at the latest) the following day. I never got close to isolating as much as I do now.

I know that the people I’ve kept in my life are those most important to me, but I miss the others who looked out for me. I miss that feeling of a misfit family.

 

 

Maddy xxx