Tag Archives: personal

it’s not my fault – tw: rape, abuse

it’s not my fault.
not my fault.
my fault.
fault.

you should’ve gotten out of there. but i didn’t.
you should’ve just said no. but i didn’t.
you should’ve seen the signs. but i didn’t.

i’m not naive.
i’m not a slut.
i’m trying to learn that it’s his fault.

fault.
my fault.
not my fault.
it’s not my fault.

 

 

Maddy xxx

crafting epiphanies

Today, I spent hours making a rainbow paper chain to stick in my journal. It was a nice routine of colouring strips of paper, looping and then sticking them together. The sun was shining on me and, occasionally, my cat would purr and brush against me.

Just as I was taping the purple link to the rest of the chain, something occurred to me.

I was making a symbol for my life at the moment. I’m processing all my trauma. I’m trying to build a path that gets me past it all while acknowledging that it happened and my growth.

Classic me and my metaphorical bullshit, but it was a pretty cool feeling.

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Maddy xxx

surprise sunshine

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This morning (20/6) was very dark and rainy. The type of rain that’s heavy and blows about in all directions. I hung the washing up undercover, yet much of the clothes still got soaked; the rain insisted on going everywhere.

But then, around the mid-afternoon, there was sun, dancing across my backyard. It was warm, and the rays soothed my weary mind and body. I painted the sun in my journal to document this feeling.

My cat had other ideas and wanted to rub her face against my paintbrush, nearly tipping over my water glass in the process. Then she decided to sit on it for a while, and let me photograph her.

My cat can go on to tell all her animal friends of how she sat on the sun.

 

 

Maddy xxx

lake adventures

Recently, my depression and anxiety has been at its worst; I’ve struggled to not feel like death and didn’t leave the house in ages. On this day (19/6), instead, I decided to get the cleaning stuff done early, have lunch at about 11am, then tied my hair in a bun, laced up my sneakers and went for a walk. Geographically, I knew there was a lake nearby, but (even though I’ve lived here for three months) I didn’t really know how to get there.

So I just wandered.

From the road I was on, I spotted a playground at the end of a lane-way and, behind that, the lake. My already comparably better mood vamped up even higher. I felt a natural smile and I even giggled a bit as I swung on the swingset and admired the lake.

After a while, I finally coaxed myself off the swing and went exploring, met some ducks, pelicans, seagulls, cockatoos and ibises, and v e r y carefully walked along a jetty. It was at that point, watching the seaweed sway in the water and listening to the birds squawk as they flew around me, where the tears started. Genuine happiness is a strange thing to deal with when your mind and body are against you, when your brain believes you’re constantly in danger.

Just that moment of realisation: I’m happy.

It’s a shock to the system. Even though you’ve experienced it lots in the past, it’s like you’ve been handed this screaming, flailing thing and you’re completely clueless as to what to do with it.

But I embraced it.

I let the tears flow and streak across my face in the wind, laughed at the small and pitiful tweet of a baby seagull trying to join in with the squawking adults, and relished in my happiness, in all its weirdness and beauty.

 

 

Maddy xxx

 

choosing love and happiness

Recently I was selected to join a group called The Sunshine Club. It is a space dedicated to positivity, self-love and equality, despite what challenges the universe may throw us. As silly as it may seem, I love taking the time to look for the good in things (or, as Pollyanna calls it, The Glad Game), for taking selfies and appreciating my friends and my beauty, and just for sharing a bit more love in the world.

This group was initiated by the lovely Prim, a teenager from the Philippines with a dazzling smile and a penchant for dogs and other soft, cute things. Although the group is only just starting,  everyone’s positivity and love for each other and the world is so present and overwhelmingly inspiring.

I feel like we can move mountains.

 

 

Maddy xxx

thoughts on drinking culture and alcoholism

It might sound weird and/or sad, but there’s something so comforting about talking to other kids of alcoholics.

In a culture where it’s so normal to drink to forget, get completely wasted for fun, or even just have a few alcoholic beverages after work to unwind, it’s reassuring and validating to meet others who get agitated around those (especially loved ones) who drink, and who feel that intense fear when those people slur and sway as they slip from tipsy to drunk. You can’t tell whether they’re going to keep to themselves and become dazed and sleepy, or if they’re going to turn on you, with their disorientation making them link together your faults, and confuse real events with what they make up.

You can connect with these other kids as you recall nights of walking on egg shells around your parent(s), staying up late in your room until you’re certain they’re asleep, worried they’ll barge in, drag you out of bed and start yelling at you.

I’m not denying that alcohol can be fun for some, but it is a drug. It shouldn’t be so normalised.

For those who have had similar experiences to what I have, or simply don’t like drinking, enjoy your tea/water/juice/whatever non-alcoholic beverages you love, appreciate the fact that you can get hyped about life or connect with friends without being intoxicated, and be grateful that rarely will late-night clubbing be your scene, and you can spend your weekend evenings nice and relaxed in the comfort of your own home.

 

 

Maddy xxx